Well, don't think about it.
I've been up here long enough, I can open up a bit,
I can share with you, Glasgow, I can share, yes?
(Audience) Yes.
My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before.
That is embarrassing. That is awkward.
But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it.
"Hello, love.
"You're up early.
"Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex.
"I'll make you a cup of tea when I'm finished.
"That'll help get rid of the taste."
(Audience groaning)
"Yeah, I know it's weird, I've seen a doctor."
Good. Well, that's pretty much the first half of my show,
but it's mainly me talking. Any questions so far?
Anything you'd like to know?
(Man) Jimmy! (Jimmy) Yes?
I'm going to presume all the questions are for me.
If that's...
If I'm not being too starry and arrogant.
Although, there's something about my name in this town.
(Scottish accent) "Jimmy." It just sounds right.
Go on, what was the question?
What would you rather do,
suck off your dad or lick out your mum?
(Jimmy) Well...
Yes, I think if I'm not mistaken, that's one of Wittgenstein's theorems.
(Jimmy) Erm... (Man) Suck off his mum.
You'd suck off his mum? He's done you.
He has done you.
I'm not from Perth, so I may never have to make that decision.
(Jimmy laughing)
Fucking hell, you sound like you come from a very broken home.
I'm not suggesting you fucked your mum,
but only because you wouldn't want to two-time your sister.
(Man) Why do you laugh like a sexual predator?
Why do I laugh like a... (Scottish accent) "sexual predator"?
I like the way that sexual predator
sounds better in your accent than any other.
(Scottish accent) A sexual predator.
I don't know why I laugh like that, it's one of life's mysteries.
In the same way as why are you dressed as a gay lumberjack?
We may never know.
"I like big thick logs, hm!"
- Yes? - (Man) How big's your cock?
How big's my cock?
Well, I'm not sure whether your mother would be comfortable discussing it,
but it's...
(Cheering and applause)
Truth be told, it's quite small, but it smells like a big one.
What, sorry?
Where's the weirdest place I've had sex?
His mum's bum.
Classic.
I'm joking, of course. It was his dad's.
- Any other questions, thoughts? - (Man calls out)
Why do I look like Hitler?
Nein, nein, nein.
Who said that?
I'm sorry, who?
(Woman) What hotel are you staying in?
What hotel?
Ah, well, it's quite a posh one, so it will have to be your place.
I don't think...
I don't think they'll let you in,
they've got a policy on that sort of thing.
And even though I'm not paying you, it looks like I am.
(Jimmy) Go on.
(Man) Where's your best audience? (Jimmy) What's the best audience?
Well, without being sort of, sycophantic, sir,
without sucking up to you.
He said, in a very patronising manner.
Glasgow's pretty good, that's why I'm recording the DVD here.
I don't know if you noticed the cameras, but it's...
It's, er...
It's just a fun place.
I'll tell you a quick story about Glasgow just before we move on.
I'll tell you the reason I'm recording the DVD here.
The first time I ever came to Glasgow to play at The Stand Comedy Club,
I got in the back of a taxi, yeah? And I said to the bloke,
cos I wanted to make a reference to where was rough in town,
so I said, "Excuse me, driver, where's rough in Glasgow?"
And he said, "For you, everywhere."
Then I was on stage later that night,
yeah, on stage and I told that story on stage, and all I said was,
and I thought this was a comment that was beyond any kind of argument,
all I said was, "Glasgow is quite an aggressive town."
And a guy down the front went, "No, it fuckin' isnae!"
No hint of irony. "No, it fuckin' isnae!"
(Laughs)
I thought, "This place will do for me!"
Do you all like drinks and sweets, yes?
(Audience) Yes. (Jimmy) Everyone does.
Do you sometimes get annoyed paying regular prices for sweets?
Do you wish you could pay two or three times as much
for exactly the same Maltesers?
Because if you do, you are in luck.
We're about to have an interval and this venue is about to rape you.
I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes for more jokes. See you then.
(Cheering and whistling)
(Cheering, shouting, whistling, applause)
Do you ever you walk into a room and forget why you've gone in there?
You just kind of go, "What am I meant to be?"
- Do you ever get that? - (Audience) Yes.
What?
Are you cat people or dog people? What would you say?
(Audience yells out)
Cos, to me, it all tastes the fucking same.
People of restricted height.
Some of them don't mind being called midgets,
but they hate being called dwarves.
Some of them, fine with dwarf, hate being called a midget.
So what are you going to do? What I do is call them all Oompa-Loompas.
None of the little fuckers like that, do they?
Are there any midgets in?
I haven't seen any, but that's part of their charm. They could be...
I don't look down on dwarves.
That's probably gone over their heads.
How could I stoop so low?
Life's too short.
Just because you're a midget doesn't make you less of a person.
Truth be told, I fucking love dwarves, but I never tell them,
cos I don't want them to get big-headed.
A lot of people say women get more attractive after a couple of drinks,
but they lose a lot of their charm, vomiting and pissing in the street.
Welcome to Glasgow.
They just put speed bumps outside my local school.
Well, I'm pretty sure it was a speed bump.
I'm 90 per cent sure it was a speed bump.
With a satchel.
I make my own vegetables.
I've got a hammer.
Is it wrong, Glasgow, you be the judge,
is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theatre
the cabbage patch?
Is that wrong?
Double amputees, you gotta hand it to them...
but they will drop it.
If I lost both my arms I'd probably just shrug it off.
I was doing a gig on this tour, I was telling that joke,
and there was a guy sitting down the front there,
missing both his arms.
And he laughed at that joke,
but then at the end, I noticed he wasn't applauding.
You know that moment
when a girl locks eyes with you across a crowded room and says,
"Yes, Your Honour, that's the one."
I saw a headline in the paper, it said, "Rapist Strikes".
I thought, "What does he want? Better pay and conditions?"
He's outdoors in the park, he's on flexitime,
talk about your job satisfaction.
What, have we got unionised sex offenders now?
"What do we want?" "Get in the van."
"When do we want it?" "Get in the van."
Women ask weird questions.
Well, the women in my life have always asked weird questions.
My girlfriend said to me recently, she said,
"Which of my friends do you think is prettiest?"
Well, that's what she said, what I heard was, "I fancy a fight."
I don't know much about women,
but I know there is no correct answer to the question,
"Which of my friends do you think is prettiest?"
There's nothing I can say that she'll go, "Oh, good, yeah."
I thought, "I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb,"
so when she asked, "Which of my friends is prettiest?"
I said, "Karen is pretty, but Susan does that thing with her tongue."
Talking during sex, Glasgow -
where do you stand on talking during sex?
There should be very strict rules on talking during sex.
Rule number one, don't.
Rule number two, shh!
And those are the rules.
My girlfriend talks during sex.
I don't mean sexy, dirty, filthy talk,
I'd love that, that'd be awesome.
No. She says the most mundane shit you've heard in your life mid-coitus.
That means whilst fucking.
The thing you do for chips.
(Laughs)
I'll give you an example, OK?
So a couple of weeks ago, we were making love...
I'd made her do it, love.
We were about halfway through,
well, we were nearly finished, but she didn't know that.
I was in... I was actually...
And she said, "Where did I leave my keys?"
I said, "Well, they're not in your vagina.
"I've had a good root around, I would've noticed something.
"I'll check your bum."
She said, "You will not, it's no one's birthday."
So I've come up with a way of dealing with this, OK?
I could just say to her, "Could you not say mundane things during sex,
"because it sort of kills the mood for me, sort of ruins it,
"you know, kills the moment."
I could just say that, but that would be literally no fun at all.
So what I'm doing is whatever she says to me,
no matter how mundane,
whatever she says to me during sex, I try and make it sexy.
Set myself that challenge. It's a lot of fun.
I'll give you an example. She said to me a couple of weeks ago, while we were...
she said, "The recycling's coming tomorrow."
Well, more accurately she said, "The recycling's coming tomorrow."
So I said,
(lrish accent) "The recycling's not the only thing comin' tomorrow.
(American accent) "Yeah. I'm gonna separate your paper and plastic."
Doesn't really mean anything.
That's my sexy voice, by the way.
I've kind of gone for a 1970s blaxploitation New York City voice,
cos then you can say things like, "I'm comin'."
If I just use my voice, I've just got to go, "I've arrived."
Has anyone heard anything more mundane than that during sex?
What's the most mundane thing?
- (Man) Hurry up. - Hurry up?
Hurry up.
Huh, what's that, these chips are cold?
(Applause)
Oh, oh, bless. Any others?
(People calling out)
What, sorry, what was that one?
(Woman) Rather cold today. (Jimmy) Rather cold today?
"Cold today." "Aye."
That's like small talk at a bus station.
I suppose we're in Glasgow, it could well have happened at a bus station.
(Laughs) I got the little, "Oh, yes."
- Any others? - (Man) Is it in yet?
Is it in yet?
So have you said to this boy here, there's a man covering his eyes now,
"Oh, God, she hasn't."
That's not your boyfriend?
I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one.
But you've said to a man, "Is it in yet?"
Not saying it, but...
But you've said that, you've looked a man in the eyes and gone, "Is it in?"
You don't want to look down and check
and you've got no feeling in your vagina whatsoever.
So, hang on, just make eye contact with me,
without looking down, can you tell if there's a cock in you now?
- What was your one? - (Man) My gran's in hospital.
My gran's in hospital.
You were fucking someone and they said to you, "My gran's in hospital."
(American accent) Oh, yeah, baby, tell it like it is!
(Jimmy laughs)
"Yeah, I'm gonna break your hips."
Any other mundane things during sex?
(Woman) There's the ice-cream van. (Jimmy) There's the ice-cream van?
Did you start going out with him when you were a lot younger?
(Scottish accent) "Oh, there's the ice-cream van."
"Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh. Most natural thing in the world."
I had one the other week, a guy came in with his wife.
They'd been married, like, 30 years and she had said to him,
and she said she'd said it, OK?
She said to him, during sex, she said,
"Now I've got your full attention, let's talk about those curtains."
I wish I'd been him I would have gone, "Curtains look fine."
Another one that comes up a lot, "You're boring me."
Which my response would be, "Yes, I am."
(Chuckles)
I don't know what this says about us as a nation,
but one that comes up all the time from audiences is, "Change channels."
Are we having sex with the television on, people?
I think if someone said "change channels" to me,
I would know they were talking about the television,
but I would be very tempted to go, "Thanks very much.
"I don't mind if I do."
Of course, the classic is, "Ceiling needs doing."
Hopefully not in that voice.
"Ceiling needs doing."
To which my response would be, "Yeah, I'm gonna fill your crack."
Gentlemen, if you're in a long-term relationship
you'll be familiar with this conversation.
It's the conversation that happens five minutes after you think you've gone to sleep.
You know the one I mean?
TV's off, lights are off, books are down,
everyone's washed their teeth.
You're in bed, "Night," "Night," "Love you," "Love you."
"Night." "Night!"
Five minutes after that, just as you're drifting off into sleep,
the most insecure voice you've ever heard in your life,
out of the darkness, "If we broke up,
"would we still be friends?"
I said, "What do you mean, 'still'?"
I bought my girlfriend some lingerie, it was her birthday,
and she'd hinted at the stuff she wanted,
so I went to, I think it was Agent Provocateur,
for these fancy kind of pants and bra and stuff.
- (Wolf-whistle) - Well, quite right.
So she was quite impressed,
she opened it up on her birthday, she was really into it.
She went, "Oh, these are beautiful, darling, but they're not my size."
I said, "Don't worry, I've had a chat with the woman in the shop
"and she says you can have an operation."
I knew I had to lose some weight in the last year.
It's a very sad day for any man
when his girlfriend suggests he comes on his own tits.
Have you ever mixed up a fat person and a pregnant person?
It's embarrassing, isn't it?
Especially if it's a fella.
I had a fat girl come up to me recently after a gig,
well, I say a fat girl, she was either fat or 18 months pregnant.
She was big.
Bubbly, you might say.
Not with an effervescent personality that filled the room,
no, shaped like a bubble.
She was a comfort eater, not eating for emotional comfort,
she was eating till she was comfortable to sit on.
She wasn't a size zero she was a shape zero.
She came up to me after... Well, she pretty much surrounded me
and she said, "You're not meant to use the term 'fat'."
I said "You're not meant to eat cake for breakfast.
"You're not meant to deep-fry Mars bars.
"And gravy isn't an energy drink."
And if I can't say "fat", cos I wasn't using fat in a judgmental way,
I was just purely being descriptive on stage,
I was using the word fat, apparently I can't use the word fat now.
If I can't say "fat", what term does she prefer?
Chunky monkey wobble slob?
Fatty-boom-batty?
Or blubbernaut?
And if you're offended by any of those terms,
how about a salad?
I'm a bit, not distressed at, but a little bit upset,
the term "real woman".
I used to really like the term "real woman".
It meant a voluptuous, fuller-figured, curvy,
beautiful, buxom, plump lady.
You would say, "She's a real woman." It doesn't mean that any more.
Real woman is now a euphemism for chunky monkey wobble slob.
You say, "She's a real woman,"
when you mean "She's a really fat woman.
"She's dangerously close to being two women."
Have you ever fucked a girl so fat
you think it might count as a threesome?
You know you're with a fat lass
when you find yourself in the throes of passion, thinking,
"Is that boob or arm?
"I'll give it a lick, just to be sure."
A lot of people think horizontal stripes make them look fat.
No.
What makes you look fat is being fat.
The only horizontal stripes making you look fat
are the ones in Viennetta, lasagne and sponge cake.
I had a fat girl come up to me after a show,
a nice girl, she said, "I enjoyed the jokes,
"but I'm a fat woman, how do you think I feel?"
I said, "Squidgy."
I was asked recently, Glasgow, by a proper publishing company.
They said to me, "Do you want to write an autobiography?"
I've given it a bit of thought, I've made notes,
I thought we might go through the notes
and see whether it's a good idea for me to write a book.
Just out of interest if I wrote a biography, who here would buy it?
(Cheering)
Well, it might just be worthwhile, you never know your luck.
I've been asked to write it, so I've made notes.
My first thought when they said, "Do you want to write a biography?"
Was, "I wish I'd kept a journal."
But I never kept a journal because I'm not a fat Goth girl.
If you write one of these cash-in-on-your-fame biographies,
you've got to talk about being famous.
Has fame changed me?
No. I've always been a bit of a cunt.
It's a very odd thing, being famous.
I get this thing happen, where about once a week,
someone will come up to me in the street and go,
"I know you from somewhere, did we go to school together?"
I've discovered there's no way to say to another human being,
"No, we didn't go to school together but do you own a television?"
Without sounding like a total fucking arsehole.
- (Man calls out) - What, sorry?
Is that Buckfast? No, that's water. You've probably heard of it.
(Applause)
(Man) Jimmy, who's the most famous person you've ever met?
Who is the most famous person I've ever met?
Well, I once met the, erm...
It's quite an impressive one, I don't want to show off,
but, you know how villages have got idiots, yeah?
I met the idiot for the whole of Glasgow.
(Cheering and applause)
(Jimmy) Yes, he's, er...
One of the biggest cunts in the world, yeah.
- I married him. - And you married him.
(Laughs)
That is again, that will only happen in Glasgow.
You call someone a cunt and their wife goes, "Yep."
"Oh, don't I know."
(Laughs)
Fucking hell.
Yeah, I'll record it in Glasgow, it'll be fine.
Really? Really?
(Cheering and whistling)
For me, big advantage to being famous, as I see it,
is if I ever get Alzheimer's I'm going to be absolutely fine.
If I ever forget who I am, I'll be fine cos as I wander around town,
people are constantly going, "Oh, look, it's Jimmy Carr. Oh, look, Jimmy Carr."
So if I forget my identity, I'll be constantly reminded.
The down side is that five per cent of the time
people get it wrong and think I'm Alan Carr.
So once a week, I'd end up back at the care home
sucking off an old fella.
I don't really like it.
Looks, let's talk about my looks.
(Wolf-whistle)
Well, could be worse, it could've been a pop-up book.
Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain,
and you'd be right, I wasn't.
People often ask, "How do you get the Jimmy Carr look?"
Well, get your mother to drink heavily during pregnancy.
Sorry, mate, no offence.
I do look a little like Roger Federer,
and a lot like lan Beale's daughter from EastEnders.
Yeah, I wish that wasn't funny.
I wish that didn't ring true, but sadly it does, doesn't it?
It's an odd thing, being on TV, being on stage in front of all you people,
it makes you more vain than you should otherwise be.
I mean, I'm a 37-year-old man, I shouldn't be vain at all.
I realise you can't polish a turd,
but you can roll it in glitter, can't you?
You do the best with what you've got. I always try and make the best of myself.
I try and dress well and present myself well,
it only ever leads to embarrassment, vanity.
The first time I did a room this size in London
my older brother came to the gig.
I've always looked up to him.
He came backstage, he didn't say anything about the performance,
he just went, "Are you wearing make-up?"
And to my eternal shame I went, "No, it's tinted moisturiser."
I couldn't have sounded gayer to him with two cocks in my mouth.
Let's talk about my career.
I've got a terrible boss, I'm self-employed
and I'm currently on sexual harassment charges.
On the other hand, you are looking at employee of the month.
How can I explain what it's like?
You know when you walk past an electrical goods store
and they've got all the TVs in the store hooked up to one camera,
and you do that weird thing of waving at yourself as you walk by?
And there's an odd moment where you go,
"Well, I don't want to stop waving because I'm still waving."
That's what Channel 4 is like for me.
I'm like their fucking screensaver.
For the moment, it's just stand-up and TV for me,
my acting career has been put on hold.
That was a decision taken by you, the British public.
A lot of comedians that I started with
have now gone to Hollywood to make movies. Great. Well done, them.
But there's something called loyalty,
and there's something else called a lack of talent and no offers.
I've just noticed... Shh!
Can you all just keep a little bit quiet for a second?
I've just noticed there's a man over there in a blue jumper,
I think he might be asleep, if you could just keep quiet around him.
Just shush, shush. Oh, fuck, he's woken.
Fuck!
(Whispers) Hello.
You're having a fucking weird dream, aren't you?
I wouldn't fall asleep again, something very bad will happen.
I was going to tea-bag him. Shit.
It's annoying, isn't it?
(Cheering and whistling)
Sounds like it would have been a very popular choice.
What's your name?
- Steven. - (Jimmy) Steven.
You had to have a little think.
All right. And what do you do, Steven?
I'm a footballer.
(Jimmy) You're a footballer. Who do you play for?
- Stranraer. - Stranraer?
(Laughter)
He's a footballer, he plays for Stranraer.
(Booing)
OK, I'm fucking shit at football as well, mate, don't worry.
That's fine.
Don't worry about that, don't feel bad.
Stranraer. And is that five-a-side, is it?
You got a full team?
Wonderful.
Well, I bet you're a great kicker.
You lazy fuck. Try and pay attention.
It's not like people fall asleep when Stranraer are playi...
Oh, no, hang on, that's a bad analogy.
(Jimmy laughing)
You lazy fucker.
I've noticed a trend in publishing, the last couple of years,
the more depressing the childhood segment of the book,
the better the book does, the better the biography does.
People love reading about horrible, depressing childhoods,
so I've had a crack at writing a heartbreaking childhood memoir.
Which wasn't easy for me, cos my childhood was actually fine.
I was in a lot of fights at school.
Well, not a lot, one.
And it wasn't a fight, it was a debating society.
And I wasn't in it, I was watching.
Still, don't fucking mess.
We were poor, but we were happy.
Every Sunday morning you could hear my dad banging away
trying to get some life out of the old boiler.
Then he'd give up, go upstairs and fuck my mum.
I simply adored our pet dog, Patch, but one day my parents called me in
and told me that Patch had been called away
to the giant potato sack with bricks in it in the sky.
For weeks I wasn't changed, I wasn't given proper food.
Someone stuck the TV on in the corner and I just lay there in my own filth.
God, I loved university.
The other thing I've noticed with books is,
anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly.
Look at the Bible, that's still a bestseller
even though they give it away in hotels.
I guess you could say I haven't found Jesus,
but then I think Jesus should try and find me.
He's omnipotent, I'm on telly, how tough's that?
Make a fucking effort, Christ.
Or, Christ, make a fucking effort, it works either way.
I'm cynical about religion, but I'm not a cynic.
I do believe in other things. I'm willing to believe in aliens.
If aliens don't exist, then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13,
transported me to a room full of flashing lights,
and subjected me to a terrifying rectal probing?
Oh, that's right, it was the guy that ran the youth centre disco.
(Jimmy) Yeah.
The thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic,
any other Catholics in?
(Cheering)
It's a weird thing. If you go to Catholic school,
sex education is very odd, sex education,
they don't want kids to be told about sex, they want to show them.
(Applause)
(Whistling)
The Catholic Church are weird.
The only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is fucking young boys.
Granted, you're not going to get them pregnant.
One of my teachers was very sexually repressed.
He used to take it out on the kids.
One thing stuck in my head.
He was responsible for the worst phrase in my childhood.
You know sometimes something bad happens,
and then someone says something and it makes it ten times worse?
It was already bad, about 60 of us, my whole year, went swimming,
big swimming regatta thing,
and my friend Anthony got an erection.
That's embarrassing. It's a bad situation.
The teacher didn't make it any better by pointing out said erection,
in case anyone had missed it,
and then describing it as, wait for it,
"Nature's thumbs-up."
It is weird, the stuff you remember when you look back.
Like, I've made notes about my childhood.
I thought I'd be able to remember the stuff they taught me.
How an oxbow lake is formed, how World War One started.
The stuff they teach you at school. I can't remember any of that.
I don't know what this says about me, but I remember with total clarity
the day Matt came into school and told us all he could suck his own cock.
I remember clearly, cos he told us how he did it,
he said he did it by falling backwards into the bath.
I remember at the time thinking,
"There's an accident that's gone terrifically well."
Most people are laughing at that,
just one man giving me a look as if to say,
"I might have a bath later on."
"Mum, Dad, I'm just having a bath."
"Why isn't the water running?" "No reason."
(Jimmy laughing)
It's an interesting area, I think sexual awakening,
for a biography, that's always a good chapter.
My uncle actually taught me the facts of life.
I can't tell you what they are, cos it's a special secret between me and him.
Seriously, if tell you, my mum and dad will both die.
When I was about six, I was given a doll.
I don't remember the doll's name, the game was,
you had to point to different places and say how many times it happened.
Did you not have that game?
Jealous much?
One of the things that's holding me back from writing an autobiography
is the fact that if you write one,
you've got to talk about your private life in a public way,
It changes the nature of celebrity, it makes you into a tabloid celebrity.
So I'll just dip my toe in the water,
I'll talk about it a bit, try and get used to it.
My girlfriend is, without a doubt, the most beautiful girl I could get.
I'll cut to the chase on this, people always ask,
"Have you ever cheated on your partner?"
Yes, it's happened, it's nothing that I'm proud of,
but, well, it was last Christmas,
and I'd read all the Trivial Pursuit questions before we played.
And then I fucked her sister.
Which, if anything, made it worse. She's forgiven me now, though.
She told me recently, she said, "I'm fine, nothing's wrong."
Good.
It was weird, cos she was crying, so I said, "What's the problem?"
She said, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
So I guess she's organising some sort of surprise party.
I thought I'd take my girlfriend to where we first met,
but she said, "Don't make me go back there, Mr Jimmy!
"I cook, I clean, I be better."
(Applause)
I worry about that joke.
Is that just razy lacism?
(Laughs) Oh, you razy laciest.
It's not, it's an accent, it's fine, don't cry.
I get asked, "What's the secret of comedy?"
Graham Norton's got a wife and two kids.
Doesn't leave this room.
People ask me what I'll do if I ever run out of jokes.
Well, I could always write an episode of Two Pints Of Lager.
People seem mildly obsessed,
I always get asked, "What did you do before comedy?"
Well, I used to work on the oil rigs off the coast of Aberdeen.
(People call out)
I did. I was a male prostitute.
I knew I knew you from somewhere.
I never forget a face.
Or the back of someone's head.
I often get asked, "What's your pet hate?"
Well, he doesn't like it if you put things in his bum.
But who can resist a cat's bumhole?
It's like a towel holder from the '70s, they're strangely alluring.
Right, I was going to talk to you about this.
This is the question on this tour
that's come up more than any other from audience members.
"What order would you do Girls Aloud in?"
Most men in this room have given that concerted thought.
Even though we know it's never going to happen,
we want to be ready just in case.
In case we ever get a knock on the door from the five girls saying,
"I want you now,"
we wanna be able to say, "Come in, ladies, the rota's on the fridge."
I can explain myself.
(Laughs)
Cheryl first. I'll tell you why Cheryl first.
I find her the most attractive,
so I definitely want to get that one done.
And let's face facts, I might only have one in me.
Five is not going to happen.
Be honest, guys, five is never going to happen.
Like every man in this room,
the only time I've ever wanted to have sex twice
is before I've had sex once.
The ladies know what I'm talking about.
You've all been over-promised to.
"I'm gonna make love to you all night long.
"Or until I get sleepy.
"Let's see which comes first.
"I came first.
"Night-night."
I would have the ginger one in the room at all times.
Stop me going off early.
"Oh, Cheryl, I'm just about to...
"Ooh.
"Oh, we're back in the game."
(Laughs)
Has anyone got any other questions, anything else you'd like to know?
(Man) Where'd you get the suit? (Jimmy) Where do I get my suit?
I get all my clothes from High And Mighty.
It's not to do with my size or shape, it's my attitude.
(Applause)
This is actually a suit for an eight-year-old giant.
I don't know why that's a giant.
It's more like a Thunderbird.
You get the idea.
Any other thoughts, questions?
(Man) How much money are you making from this gig?
How much money am I making from this gig?
Well, I'll put it in terms that you'll understand, sir.
A hundred money.
- Go on, sorry, what was your question? - What age did you lose your virginity?
What age did I lose my virginity? It was the 20th century.
No, I lost my virginity... I was 26 when I lost my virginity.
Now, I realise there'll be grandmothers in Glasgow thinking,
"Well, that cannae be right.
"Did he not have a sister?"
No, I was 26, but I'll tell you why I was 26,
because I was Christian, growing up.
I had an imaginary friend that I used to talk to.
I know it sounds mental now, but I did,
so that was part of it, but partly I wanted it to be special,
well, not special, but consensual.
And then I got to 26 and I thought,
"Fuck it.
"How much is a train ticket to Dundee?"
Any other thoughts?
What, sorry? What's my favourite song?
I would say probably Sweet Caroline.
(Audience cheers)
Where it began, ah-haa-ah
I can't begin to know when
But then I know it's growing strong
First there was spring, ah-haa-ah
Then spring became the summer
Who'd have know it came...
Sorry, I could have just gone on there.
Hands touching hands
Reaching out
Touching you
Touching me
(Cheering)
Dun-da-da
(All) Sweet Caroline Ba-ba-ba
Good times never seemed so good
(Man) So good!
I've been inclined Ba-ba-ba
To believe they never would...
There you are, that will do of that.
- My favourite song. - (Cheering and whistling)
Yeah, do some karaoke halfway through, why not?
Well, I like that and I also like Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny...
(Laughs) I'll come back over here.
The best way to impress a woman is to compliment her,
as in, "Cor, you're a fast runner, you nearly got away."
We all know that no means no,
but what does it mean when they shout, "Help"?
It means the gag's come loose.
Two things really annoy me.
When you buy stuff and it comes in that super-hard plastic
that you cannot get a start on, do you know the stuff?
And you end up chipping a tooth and then you go and get scissors.
You'd never dream of getting the scissors first.
You think, "I'll try my teeth.
"Argh!"
The worst is you've bought scissors and they've come in that stuff.
That annoys me. That and genocide. Oh!
Back-seat drivers, they're all the same.
"Why are we going into the woods? Please let me go."
I tell you what I love, love, love, love, and I bet you all love it too.
I love the snooze button. Do you love the snooze button?
(Audience) Yes.
Cos after eight hours' sleep, I tell you what I need - a nap.
Strange but true, isn't it?
I wake up in the morning,
I'm more tired than when I went to bed the night before.
I wake up thinking, "I'm exhausted."
How tiring is sleep?
I need ten minutes just to take the edge off that.
Have you got pets? Who's got pets? Yes?
(Audience cheer)
I can't have sex if the dog is looking at me.
It's those big eyes looking up as if to say, "What are you doing?"
And that's why...
I didn't fuck a dog.
We made love.
I'm a typical guy, I love all sports.
Pilates, hopscotch, conkers, you name it.
Any cricket fans in?
- (Audience) No! - Interesting fact about cricket.
Cricket was invented at Rugby public school
when some boys were playing football and one of the boys forgot the ball,
and they were all standing in a field and nothing happened.
(Applause)
I like the developments that have been made in cricket over the years.
Initially there was Test cricket,
that takes five days of your life that you don't get back to play.
Then there was one-day cricket, a vast improvement,
then Twenty20, that only takes three hours to play.
I'm looking forward to cricket One1
and ultimately cricket fucking zero
where no cunt plays cricket cos it's fucking boring.
(Cheering)
It is.
The Paralympics, that is what sport should be about.
Did you watch the Paralympics when it was on in Beijing?
Inspirational, awe-inspiring global event,
about three people saw it, it would appear.
I don't know how to describe it.
It's sort of like... The Paralympics, it's like a children's book
where all the broken toys have a picnic.
Well, you can get off the high moral ground
if you didn't even fucking watch it.
I had a favourite event, and all the events are interesting.
You're watching sports that you've seen before, you've taken part in,
done in a different way by disabled people.
So you're getting a different angle on it, different rules, yeah?
My favourite, and you've got to promise me, look this up
if you think I'm making it up.
Google it when you get home and have a look on YouTube,
treat yourself, it's awesome.
Paralympics, the blind football.
OK, so they get a normal... And I'm not talking about Stranraer.
What they do in the blind football at the Paralympics,
they get a normal, standard-issue soccer ball,
they put a bell in the ball and blind people play football.
Their spatial awareness is that good they can tell where the ringing is,
find the ball, not only find it, kick it and score a goal.
How fucking awesome is that? And Team GB got silver.
Gold went to some kittens.
I don't know how they got into the stadium.
Presumably no one saw them.
And there was an unfortunate incident.
When the referee blew the whistle for the final time, someone kicked his face off.
As you'll be aware, I'm very comfortable talking about disability on stage,
because disabled people are part of our community and societies,
of course they are,
but also disabled people are the most patronised group within society.
Everyone patronises the disabled, it's like a national pastime.
Here's a good example for you.
If you've got any building in this country with more than four storeys,
there's a limit on the number of wheelchair users
that can be in that building at any one time,
because what if there's a fire?
If there's a fire throw him out the fucking window.
What's he going to do, break his back again?
What's he going to be, double paralysed?
"Have you heard about Dave? He's been double paralysed.
"It's pretty bad. He's got to go round in two wheelchairs."
I heard about a blind guy climbing Everest.
I thought, "Well done, but what for?
"The view?"
Surely the great advantage of being blind is there's no need to travel.
Get a foot spa and a heat lamp, you could be fucking anywhere.
Speaking of which, I'm thinking of starting a charity
sending blind kids to Disneyland.
Well, telling them.
I know it's not the same, but my dog has lost an eye
and the vet reckons he's got about 30% peripheral vision
in his remaining eye.
Who thinks I should get the vet to put him down?
(Audience) Nae.
No.
Canal it is.
If he'd wanted to live he would've won the fight with the badger.
A lot of men like it when the collars and cuffs match,
but I wouldn't want to date a bald lady.
That took you a while to get.
Apparently, women like chocolate
because it stimulates them in the same way as sex,
which goes some way towards explaining the popularity
of the Chunky Kit-Kat.
I've never found chocolate to be an aphrodisiac.
The only way a chocolate bar is gonna help my sexual performance
is if I use it as a splint.
Or bait.
(Repeating whistle)
A friend that took me to one side recently,
he said, "What does it mean if, on a first date,
"a girl puts a cheeky finger up your bum whilst fellating you?"
I said, "It means there's going to be a second date."
It has been a pleasure talking to you, Glasgow.
Firstly, thank you so much for coming out to see the show.
- I really do appreciate it. - (Cheering and applause)
It's been lovely.
Couple of quick things just before I go.
If you've never seen a Punch and Judy show,
I don't wanna spoil it for you, but the man behind the curtain
is a paedophile.
A lot of people don't think paedophiles
should be allowed to live anywhere near schools,
but it does reduce their carbon footprint.
Final thing, if you're scared of paedophiles,
grow up.
I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much.
Cheers, good night, thank you.
(Cheering, whistling and applause)
(Cheering and applause continues)
(Jimmy laughs) Thanks very much, Glasgow.
I don't know if you realise, as an audience,
what that noise means to performers.
That simple act of applauding, it's everything you work for as a performer.
But that noise could drive you mental.
Imagine if that happened when you left work.
You've finished a busy day doing whatever you do with your lives,
you finish work and 3,000 people go, "Fucking yeah."
You'd go a little bit, "Hm? Hello. I'm very special."
So to keep my feet on the ground, to stop myself going crazy,
I always remind myself, Glasgow,
that is less applauding than any of you, individually,
would give to a waiter who dropped a tray.
It's true though, isn't it? That is our best thing ever as a nation.
I love it when you're away on holiday,
like if you're in the south of France or Spain or wherever,
or Birmingham, I don't know.
But I love it, when you're away, you can tell where the British people are,
because when a tray goes over
we're the ones going, "You clumsy fucking cunt."
Now obviously it's a family show.
I go out to see a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed a thing,
comics tend to do their best stuff right at the end of the gig
and then they leave the audience wanting more.
It sounds good, doesn't it? But it doesn't make any sense.
Cos you, the audience, are left wanting more
and the comedian has fucked off.
That doesn't make any sense, so what I'd like to do,
because I've given it some thought,
I'd like to torpedo this gig with some very unpleasant jokes
that will offend and upset you all.
(Cheering)
Yeah.
Then you can all leave thinking, "Thank fuck that's over."
You're welcome. Let's begin.
If women are so good at multi-tasking,
is it too much to ask, tickle my balls while you work the shaft.
Half a joke, half public service announcement.
I often get asked, "Are you ever going to get married?"
I don't think I ever will get married.
I mean, you can't get married at 16 without parental consent,
and that's not going to happen.
They still think she's dead.
(Audience groaning)
(Applause)
That's an unfortunate reaction
cos that's only there to warm you up for this one.
Did you all read that story about the girl that was kidnapped
and kept in squalid conditions for 18 years?
Did you read that story?
Was I the only one that read that story
and thought, "18 years in squalid conditions?
"Have a tidy round.
"Make your house a home, you lazy bint."
Say what you like about the Make A Wish Foundation,
they can work to a deadline.
(Audience groans)
It's only words. Nothing bad's happened.
It's not like I've drop-kicked a kitten into an orphan's face.
Once, I did that once.
And it was fucking funny, but you sort of had to be there.
I think I've sorted out the credit crunch.
I thought you'd be pleased.
No, genuinely, I think I've sorted out the credit crunch.
You know what the problem is with the credit crunch?
In layman's terms, OK.
The trade, the turnover, the cycle of business
isn't happening in the way it was
because businesses and banks and countries have gone bust,
and no one trusts each other.
So how are we going to repair this and get things started again?
Get that virtuous circle up and running?
Tell you what we do, we build a World Trade Centre.
You're sat there with your arms crossed, thinking,
"That's gonna be a fucking big building." We're going to have two of them.
I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news.
He said, "We will never forget 9/11."
I thought, "I should fucking hope not, it's your phone number."
I do love doing these gigs.
I'm so glad I recorded the DVD in Glasgow, but these gigs...
Just the fact that everyone shares a sense of humour, that's special.
Everyone appreciates as well, everyone gets it.
Everyone in this room gets the fact it's just jokes,
we're messing around, trying to have a laugh together.
It's just messing, these jokes aren't who I am.
I mean, in the real world, I'm quite a generous sort of person.
I realise that makes me sound like a dick,
but I'm quite a giving person. Last year I donated a kidney.
(Cheering)
Of course, they wanted to know where I got it from.
"I know it's still warm, keep it."
I often get asked, someone asked earlier,
favourite joke or rudest joke?
I got asked in Liverpool last year, someone said, "Favourite pub joke?"
So I thought I'd end by telling you my favourite pub joke.
- It's quite a rude joke. - (Cheering)
I think you all knew it was going to be fairly rude,
but I'll tell you, and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it.
I got asked, "Favourite pub joke?" In Liverpool,
so I said... I told my favourite pub joke.
What's the difference between football and rape?
Girls don't like football.
(Laughter, groaning)
That is a textbook response, Glasgow.
It's a laugh, followed by a "Oohh."
The interesting thing for me
is that that's not two distinct groups of people,
there's not one group laughing and another group going, "Oohh."
Those are the same people.
That joke makes you a little bit schizophrenic,
cos you don't choose what you laugh at.
I'm sure many of you have been disgusted at what you've been laughing at,
but you don't choose what you laugh at, it's a reflex, you just laugh.
Then another bit of you kicks in
and goes, "What the fuck are you doing laughing at that?"
"Oohh."
So I told it in Liverpool, it got a laugh and then a "oohh".
Then there was a pause and a woman at the back went,
"I like football."
Imagine that being your problem with that joke.
She clearly had time to think, "Well, we all like it rough once in a while,
"he's got us there,
"but I also enjoy soccer.
"And I'm taking a stand."
(Laughs)
Well, as I say, it's been a pleasure performing in Glasgow.
I mean, the reason we did the DVD here is
cos it's one of the best gigs of the year, I fucking love it.
Thank you so much for coming out. Just a couple of...
- (Cheering and applause) - Sh-sh-sh!
Just one quick thing before I go.
If anyone wants an autograph or to say hello after the show,
or to get fingered or to have a fight...
(Wolf-whistle)
Whatever you would like, I'll be in that corner,
I'm more than happy to wait. Thank you for coming out to see me,
and I'll see you all again next year. Cheers, good night.
- Thank you. - (Cheering, whistling)
I read the tabloid papers pretty much every day, and I love the tabloids,
I think they're an important part of our culture,
but because of how my mind works or doesn't work,
depending on your perspective,
I end up writing jokes about people that are in the papers every day.
Whoever's in the papers I'll write a joke about them.
I'll take you through my favourites. I've done pictures to illustrate.
More accurately, my friend Chris has done some pictures.
- Is Chris in by the way? - (Woman) Yes.
Hi, Chris, how are you?
Chris is the man that did all the pictures for all of the stuff in the show.
Let's give Chris a round of applause while we think of it.
Hang on, let's get a camera... Chris, stand up a sec.
- Take a bow, come on, take a bow. - (Cheering)
Fucking brilliant.
And he's, erm... He's done...
Chris has, you won't mind me saying?
Chris actually has a personality disorder
that makes it difficult for him to communicate with other people.
Chris is Scottish.
It's tragic, but you've really come through.
(Laughs)
He spent all the money on heroin and shortbread.
I paid him in heroin and shortbread. (Laughs)
Right, let's go through some famous people jokes.
Fern Britton. You all know Fern Britton?
(Audience) Yes.
Fern Britton had a gastric band fitted to one of her stomachs.
I say a gastric band, it was actually the fan belt from a 747.
(Jimmy laughing)
Keira Knightley was in Heat,
so I fucked her.
Madonna is 50, but she's got the body
of a man half that age.
(Jimmy laughing)
It's a funny picture, man.
What did you make of Madonna adopting those Malawian babies?
What did you think? I can see why she's done it.
We've all seen the adverts in the papers for African children,
they're only a pound a week to feed.
Must be weird for those two kids now,
cos they're now wearing clothes they made six months ago.
Jordan's split's been all over the papers.
She should be more careful getting out of the car.
(Groaning)
(Jimmy laughing)
Chris!
Chris! Why did you do that?
Amy Winehouse is a terrible way for any young woman to die.
She looks like she needs a good bath,
and then that bath needs a good clean.
And then that cleaner needs a day off.
She recently received a slap on the wrist,
desperately trying to find a vein.
Let's face facts, Amy Winehouse is so full of drugs,
if she ever has to go to prison,
she'll have to be smuggled in up someone else's arse.
(Applause)
I would just like to say that Amy Winehouse is no longer on drugs,
I think there were rumours in the papers
that she did drugs at some stage
but she doesn't do them any more and really, you know,
it's none of our business whether she does or not.
I'm only saying that cos I like that joke
and I'd like it to make it onto the DVD.
Hello, the lawyer at Channel 4.
Don't fucking cry.
People give Susan Boyle a hard time, but I think she's a good-looking fella.
(Chanting) SuBo, SuBo, SuBo.
(Jimmy) SuBo, SuBo.
What do they call her? The Hairy Angel?
That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?
As in, "Well, she's not a bad singer,
"but I wouldn't want to see her hairy angel."
People give her a hard time,
but she shares over 97% of her DNA
with humans.
Apparently there was a break-in at her house,
she found a burglar in her hallway.
First time she's ever had a man in her front passage.
Come on, everyone, it's a front-passage joke.
The Queen, our Queen...
(Booing and cheering)
Hey, let's not be like that, shall we?
You are her subjects.
The Queen, of course, has two birthdays,
which goes some way towards explaining why she looks so fucking old.
Must be great for Prince Philip,
every time he looks at a 20 note he thinks, "I've had that."
His favourite sexual position is the stamp.
Takes her from behind, licks the back of her head, loves it.
(Laughter, groaning and applause)
Of course, the Queen has her real vagina
and her official vagina for special occasions.
As do all women.
No, you're quite right, Glasgow,
talking about the Queen having sex is actually a bit of a grey area.
(Groaning)
Now, the big tabloid story the last year was the death of Michael Jackson,
and for me it was very much like when Diana died.
I couldn't give a fuck.
(Cheering and applause)
It's not just me that thinks
towards the end, he was just a pale imitation of the man he used to be.
He'd lost face.
And now he's gone, the rumour mill is in full swing.
There's a rumour that the real reason Michael Jackson died
is that when he was rushed to hospital
somehow he ended up in the burns unit.
And then he wound up in the children's ward.
And then he had a heart attack.
He's gone, but I like to think he's up there somewhere
walking backwards on the moon.
He wore one white glove.
Part-time snooker referee.
It's quite a stupid joke.
Before his heart attack, he had a series of strokes,
which ruined his career.
At the funeral, his brother Jermaine gave a touching tribute,
which hardly seemed appropriate.
Michael Jackson.
R.I. Paedo.
(Jimmy laughs)
Shall we treat ourselves to one final Michael Jackson joke?
(Audience) Yes.
Before he died, Michael Jackson picked the hymns.
He said, "I'll have him 14, him 13, him 12."
(Laughter and cheering)
Got that? Good.
- How's it going? You all right? - (Man) Yeah, good.
Thanks for coming to the show I appreciate it, man.
- I think we got away with it. - Yeah.
It's like meeting a vicar at the end of a service, like after a wedding.
- Thank you very much for coming. - (Woman) Bye.
- How are you two? - Can I take a photo of you, please?
You can take a photo of me. Of course you can.
You can have that and when you touch yourself later, you can look at it, of course.
- Seems only reasonable. - Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
You look very glamorous all dressed up.
- Hello, what's going on here? - (Girl giggles)
Oh, I love that noise, what happened there?
- Thanks so much for coming. - She's waited a long time to come.
The hair, you ladies have got kind of the...
You've both got very cool kind of '60s hair.
I love it. Is it a mother and daughter?
Do you want to have a three-way or not? Just say.
- Not today. - Not today? OK, not today.
Can I get a hug?
Of course you can have a hug, I'll give you a hug, come round this way.
- OK, come round that way. - (Giggles)
It's very nice to meet you. Thanks for coming.
- Now leave me alone. - (Giggles)
Hello, how are you two, you all right?
- I'm fine, thanks... - Are you?
- You're a legend. - I've had such a brilliant time!
You've had such a lot to drink by the sounds of things.
I've been up there, it's been brilliant.
Were the screens any good up there?
I watch 8 Out Of 10 Cats all the time and I love it.
You're so sweet. Thank you for coming.
Next time we will be closer and we will see your body.
- But I can see you now, high five. - Thank you for coming.
Cheers, sweetheart. All right.
How are you? Do you have a problem with alcohol?
- No, I was thinking of her. - I'm fine.
Hello, how's it going?
Good, thank you, how are you?
You're very on trend with the sparkliness, everyone's very sparkly.
- It's my Christmas top. - It's your Christmas top? Oh.
- Are you coming to the after-show party? - The after-show party, is it in your pants?
No! Well...
- Oh, I see. - It's at Byblos.
- What, sorry? - Byblos in Merchant City.
It's in Byblos in Merchant City? I have no idea...
Those are words, but I don't understand what they mean.
I'll be OK.
(Laughs) Knockback.
I'll finger you on the table, how's that?
Right, then.
(Jimmy) I love show business. Thank you so much for coming.
I appreciate it, girls, thank you. Is that your missus?
You're punching so far above your weight, it's like a different league.
When you're in Glasgow you punch above your weight.
Have you got low self-esteem? What's gone wrong?
Who are you getting back at?
- Hello. - (Both) Hello.
- You all right? - Fine.
Thanks for coming. How do you know each other?
- She's my lesbian lover. - She's your lesbian lover?
- No, she wishes. - Huh?
- She wishes. - She wishes.
Give her a go, break her off a piece.
No. I love the cock too much.
"I love the cock too much." Brilliant. A lot of people wouldn't say that.
Well, it's fine though, isn't it?
That's what I always say whenever I've met a lesbian,
I've gone, "What would it take to get you back on solids?"
It's my standard response.
- Thank you for coming. - Thank you very much.
- How are you? - Yeah, fine. Good show.
Oh, thanks for coming.
- I'm the girl from Dundee. - You're the girl from Dundee?
I'm not into Buckie, but if you do chips I might just get up the road with you.
You call it the road cos so many men have been down it.
Thank you so much for joining in, I appreciate it,
cos it kind of makes it for me when people join in a little bit.
- And where are you from? - Dundee.
You're from Dundee as well? Well, I'm sorry for your trouble.
Took me up the road for a bag of chips years ago,
still with him, eh?
- Well, he seems nice. - They were nice chips.
You look all dressed up as well. Thanks very much.
- Jimmy, can I ask a favour? - Yeah, go on.
The last twice you've met my niece, you've let her lick you.
- I've let her lick me? - Yes.
Last night you let here lick you and you let her lick you a year ago.
I think I know the girl, the weird thing with the face lick.
- Yeah. - Yeah, fine go ahead.
Thank you very much, Jimmy.
Hey, no problem at all. Yeah, people are weird though, right?
- How are you? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Thanks for coming. I appreciate it. Cheers.
- Hello. How do you know each other? - Friends from school.
Friends from school? How old are you?
- (All) 18. - 18? Really?
OK. I don't know. What's this new meow meow like, is it good?
- Have you tried it? - No, I've no tried it.
You haven't? Come on, you fags, it's only a couple of quid.
Spent all your money on tickets to comedy shows,
you should be in a park being fingered.
Thank you for coming, good luck in your studies, take care.
How are you? Very nice to meet you, sorry it's taken so long.
- Can I ask you a question? - Of course.
Did you actually break your virginity at 26 or was that just a joke?
- No, genuinely, I was 26. - No way.
- Yeah, seriously. - You must have been a sad man.
Yeah, that's pretty sad, yeah. It's all right, I'm living with it.
Thank you so much for coming. Are you sisters or?
Just good friends.
- Are you? - Met at college.
No, we're not. We have men in our lives.
(Smooching)
You say that. Where are these men in your lives? I can't see anyone.
(Both laughing)
Very nice to meet you, thank you for coming.
- Thanks, see you later. - Thank you so much. Cheers.
- Hello. - I'm the Michael Jackson fan.
- Oh, are you a massive fan? - Not massive.
I was, back then, I was a big fan.
When he started fiddling with kids... Nyah!
- It put you off a bit. - A little bit, yeah.
Also Earth Song can fuck off.
Thank you so much for coming though.
Thank you very much for coming.
Hi, hello. Christ! Please don't hurt me.
How are you lads? You all right?
Very nice to meet you, thanks for coming to the show.
Is that fashion or has the nit nurse been?
(lndistinct)
What? Oh, that's got him, clearly the nits joke has found a home.
Thank you so much for coming, guys, I really appreciate it.
Take care, man, have a good one. Nice to meet you.
- You all right? Who's with who here? - I'm his mother.
Well, isn't that marvellous? Thanks for coming to the show.
- Thanks very much for coming. - A question for you.
My mum came for sex ed, she'd like to know what felching is.
Felching? Oh, if you fuck someone in the arse,
and then you suck back the sperm from the anal canal.
- There you go. - I told you not to do that.
We're a close family.
Weirdly, my mother told me what felching was.
We had a gay friend when I was growing up, we had a gay friend,
and he told us kind of a thing, what felching was,
so my mother explained to me what it was.
It was weird. "Really? People do that? Jesus."
Thank you for bringing each other.
You have the same sense of humour. That's great. Thank you so much.
- Can I get a kiss? - So nice to meet you.
- Can I have one? - Of course you can. Fill your boots.
And I want one if they're all getting one.
Nice to meet you all. Thank you so much for coming, cheers.
- How are you guys? - All right.
- Thank you for coming. - (Whispers) 26?
Yes, literally 26, actually a true thing.
- How fucking bad's that? - 12, mate. 12.
- 12? - Yeah.
Fucking hell. My dad wasn't like that.
Thanks for coming and for joining in, I really appreciate it.
Take care, man, cheers.
Hello, how are you? You all right?
Very nice to meet you, thank you for coming and for waiting around.
Kind of, you start queuing and go, "Shit. Oh, well, we'll..."
- It's good you do this. - Worth it.
It's nice to say hello.
I'll tell you why I do it, I went to see Chris Rock in Hammersmith
and I got to go backstage cos I play Hammersmith a lot,
and I got to go backstage and literally all I said was, "Hello, Chris, how are you?"
Literally two seconds, I went, "Hello, Chris, how are you? Great gig."
That was it and it made it feel like more of a night out.
- (Girl) Yeah. - It's nice to say hi.
Thanks for watching it.
Hello. Hello, ladies, are we all going to have sex?
Come on, lets all have sex. So, sisters?
(All) Yes.
I've never had like a four-way, but I bet you get...
Has anyone ever met you and not asked, "Can we not all do?"
No, you're the first.
Could you talk Irish, she's not Scottish?
Talk Irish? I can do... I'm Irish.
My people are from Limerick.
I would stab you as soon as look at you.
I'm a plastic Paddy,
So I talk this way because I was educated in the home counties.
Which goes to show what you can do when you apply yourselves.
- Thanks a million. - Cool.
Three of them, though, that would be cool.
- Hi, how are you? - Jimmy, how you doing?
- Really well. - That's a good, strong handshake.
- I do a lot. - Kudos for the Buckfast.
Thanks very much.
Could you possibly write,
"Jimmy wants to know, Karen, will you marry Stephen?"
What? Sorry, are you proposing to someone via a signature?
OK, Karen...
It's part of the proposal.
- Where's she this evening? - At work. She's a police officer.
You've got to let me know how that goes.
- So you're asking her to marry you? - Yes, I am.
- Wonderful. Congratulations. - Thank you.
Good luck. She'll say yes, she's bound to.
Thanks everyone. That's the show done, that's the end of the DVD.
Let's go and get very drunk.
(Rock music playing)
Well, thanks very much.
- Hello. - (Audience) Hello.
Good. Right. We'll move on, shall we?
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
I said, "All right, fatty."
I was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago, I got talking to a girl in the front row.
I asked her her name, she said, "It's Pataka."
I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied,
"Actually I do."
My girlfriend said to me,
she said, "Jimmy, we're at a crossroads in our relationship,
"and down one road is hard work and commitment
"but ultimately happiness.
"And down the other road, well, the other road is a dead end."
And I said,
"That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."
Well, I'm glad you laughed - she went crazy.
If we're all God's children...
what's so special about Jesus?
(Cheering, whistling)
Of course, you may be wondering about my accent.
Of course, technically, I don't have an accent,
I'm from England.
This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly.
(Laughter, outraged yelling, jeering, applause)
(Hush descends)
(Laughter)
I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking,
which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian...
They say travel broadens the mind,
except with Americans,
where it tends to widen the arse.
(Applause, cheering)
Don't get the wrong idea, I've got nothing against Americans,
it's just one came up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago
and said he thought I was "pay-tronising".
I said, "Well, I think you'll find that's pronounced 'patronising'."
"It means when you talk down to someone."
"Don't worry, I'm not being condescending.
"I'm far too busy thinking about important things you wouldn't understand."
Did you know, you're eight times more likely to get mugged in Montreal
than you are in New York City?
(Audience) No!
It's because you don't live in New York City.
Boxers. Boxers don't have sex before a fight.
- Do you know why that is? - (Man) Why?
They don't fancy each other.
The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent.
It's because old women...
are so very ugly.
(Laughter, shrieks of outrage)
(Applause)
Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad, that's embarrassing.
I didn't even know they knew how to use the camcorder.
My girlfriend's always saying to me,
"You never tell me how much you love me."
I don't want to upset her.
A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually.
I know it will come as a shock.
I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say
I arrived early.
And my girlfriend said to me, "Don't worry,
"that happens to a lot of guys."
I said, "Well, there's two things the matter with that.
"One, who are these 'a lot of guys',
"and, two, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think...
"it could be your fault?"
When it comes to charity, a lot of people will stop at nothing.
A woman stopped me on the street the other day with a clipboard.
She said, "Could you spare a few minutes for Cancer Research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
I saw one of those charity appeals in the newspaper, it read -
"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles every day
"just to fetch water."
And I couldn't help thinking...
"She should move."
I'm going to have to go now, ladies and gentlemen,
but I would like to leave you with this frightening fact, if I may.
I'm not sure if you're aware of this,
but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week,
you could feed the Third World for one year.
Now, I don't know about you good people, but I can't help feeling
we're being overcharged for our groceries.
I've been Jimmy Carry. Thank you very much indeed.
(Rock music)
(Applause)
Well, I can't believe your luck. Hello.
I'm Jimmy Carr, one of the biggest faces in comedy.
Literally, I've got one of the biggest faces.
It's like the moon.
I'm probably affecting your menstrual cycle just being this close.
I had hassle getting out tonight, had to organise a baby-sitter.
I don't have children,
I've just found they're a lot cheaper than escorts.
I saw a homeless guy getting off the bus.
I thought, "How does he know it's his stop?"
Men are no good at stopping and asking for directions.
- Would you agree with that, ladies? - (Women) Yes!
Well, I put my hand up to that. We are no good at stopping and asking for directions.
Of course, on the other hand, maybe we wouldn't have to,
if you could read a bloody map.
(Cheering)
(Jeering)
I said to my girlfriend, "You shouldn't eat before you go swimming."
She said, "Why is that?"
I said, "You look fat."
(Gasps of shock)
Easy, easy. I'm being misogynistic for comic effect.
I'm obviously not a misogynist.
I'm actually a very modern man.
I've got no problem buying tampons,
but apparently they're not a "proper present".
"Happy birthday, Mum!"
"It says 'super' on the box, I don't know what you want."
Montreal, do you know what you're meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish?
Do you know what you're meant to do? Shout out.
- (Audience) Pee on it. - That's exactly right.
You're meant to pee on it.
I went on holiday, everyone else knew, I didn't know.
They told me, they said, "If you get stung by a jellyfish you're meant to pee on it."
I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites.
The boy's family were livid.
Apparently, once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do.
Do you know what you're meant to do if you're attacked by a bear?
- (Audience calling out) - You're meant to play dead.
Do you know why you're meant to play dead?
It's to get you used to how you're going to be in a minute.
According to a new bit of scientific research,
apparently women can tell if a man wants a baby
just by looking at the shape of his face.
Presumably, if it's like this...
that means he doesn't want a baby.
And if it's like this...
it means the conception will involve a turkey baster.
There are ten million obese children in America today.
That's a frightening fact, isn't it? Ten million obese children.
Do you realise, if they all jumped up and down at the same time...
they might lose a little bit of weight.
It's the excuses that get me.
"It's water retention."
It's cake retention.
"It's a thyroid problem."
What are you taking for that? Pies?
"The camera adds ten pounds."
Stop eating bloody cameras!
When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony.
I'm not proud of this, but it happened. We were at a party, we were quite drunk -
he was very drunk, he passed out,
and myself and another friend, we shaved his eyebrows off.
He was really surprised.
But you couldn't tell.
My favourite thing about natural disasters,
and I know it's wrong to have a list,
certainly getting it laminated was a mistake,
but my favourite thing about natural disasters is they call them "acts of God",
and then two days later they have a "day of prayer".
So they have a day of prayer for an act of God. How does that prayer go?
"Dear Lord, what the hell was that all about?"
Creationists, the hardline right-wing Christians,
creationists believe every word Genesis says.
I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.
It's 20 years since the Chernobyl disaster.
Is it just me that's surprised?
Still no superheroes.
I recently had the sexual history conversation
where my girlfriend said to me, "I'd like to know about your previous sexual history."
And I said, "Oh, no, you wouldn't."
She pushed me on it, she insisted,
eventually I had to list everyone I'd ever been with,
from the girl I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her,
and that is where I should have stopped.
I've been Jimmy Carr. Good night. Thank you, cheers.
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
(People whooping)
Well, thank you very much. Erm...
When I told my mum I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said,
"You can't do both."
I'm British, of course,
and what makes Britain great is our ability to laugh at ourselves.
When I say ourselves, I mean other people.
And when I say laugh, I mean invade.
People ask me, "What were you like at school?"
So I tell them.
I was a little black girl.
I had a great cab driver the other day in Montreal, he was driving along,
he was very happy, he was whistling and smiling, in a very good mood.
He said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Left here."
I was in the airport - those treadmills they've got are huge.
They're much better than the ones in the grocery store.
I get very self-conscious.
One of my favourite things to do in the world -
do you know the animal rights people you get in the street?
You get these animal rights people and they've got a little kiosk they set up,
and they've got terrible, horrible posters put up,
taken in laboratories where they're doing experiments on animals.
Have you all seen those? They're horrible.
You're out doing your shopping and you see them on the street.
They're images of emaciated dogs in tiny cages and...
and rabbits that have been shaved, with wires coming out of them,
a monkey missing the top of its head but you can tell it's still alive,
they're doing some sort of neurological test,
and a cat that's having stuff put in its eyes to test whether it's safe for us.
What I like to do on an afternoon if I'm bored
and I'm at the shops and I'm walking down the street and I see one of those kiosks,
I walk up to it and say,
"I'll have the one of the monkey, please."
Sex is always better in hotels. Have you noticed that?
Sex is always better in hotels. Why is that?
Is it cos it's with a hooker?
Is that it? Is that it?
(People whooping and whistling)
Yeah, that's it.
I saw a story in the local paper
about an 87-year-old woman marrying a 93-year-old man.
Is it wrong that I looked at that and thought,
"That's not gonna last."
I worry about my grandmother.
If she's alone in the house and she falls,
does she make a sound?
What happens if you spill carpet cleaner?
When someone recommends a book to me and they say, "It's a page-turner."
I always think, "Yeah, I know how books work."
I met a girl that was scared of dwarves.
So I asked her, "Are you also scared of normal people when they're far away?"
Women like to dance with men,
because women think if they dance with a man they'll be able to tell
what he's like in the bedroom. And it is a good indicator -
I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry.
I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy
was to have two women at the same time.
And she agreed.
But then she was very upset when I told her she wasn't either of them.
I was in the supermarket, it said "buy two, get one free", but I only wanted one,
so I took the free one.
Have you ever looked at a bill in a restaurant where it says "service not included",
and thought, "No, it wasn't, was it?"
I'm trying to eat better, ladies and gentlemen, to lose a little bit of weight,
so I'm having oatmeal every morning for breakfast.
And it's such a boring thing to eat.
I was reading the box of oatmeal, it says on the box "no added colour".
I thought, "It's grey.
"Do they think I think they're adding extra grey?"
I don't know if any of the other men in the room have this,
but my girlfriend tells me about her day in real time.
Right, last thing from me, ladies and gentlemen.
Surely the best thing about getting a face transplant...
- (People giggling) - Oh, yeah.
Surely the best thing about getting a face transplant
would be turning up at the donor's funeral and going, "Whooooo."
I've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed, cheers. Good night.
Thank you, cheers.
(Jimmy Carr) Started in 1983 as a two-day comedy festival,
Just For Laughs has evolved
to become the world's largest comedy producer.
In addition to touring productions and festivals in various countries,
the original festival in Montreal brings in close to two million visitors
to laugh and take in 800 performers in over 2,000 shows.
It's the very best of comedy in all its forms.
The Just For Laughs festival has featured
some of the world's most impressive comedy talent.
The festival's prestigious alumni list includes some of the biggest names
from movies, TV and comedy stages from round the world.
Just For Laughs television shows have been seen in over a hundred countries,
from the ABC to BBC to HBO to CBC, as well as 85 different airlines.
More than just stand-up,
Just For Laughs has showcased all forms of comedy,
including theatre, improv, special events, huge night-time parades,
large-scale parties, impressive European street theatre
and some shows you really can't put a label on.
The Festival's film portion, Comedia, showcases the best feature-length
and short comedy films from round the world.
Everything from independent films to Hollywood blockbusters,
as well as tributes to comedy film legends.
Just For Laughs' popularity reaches far and wide,
as large-scale Just For Laughs tours, event productions
and festivals travel to the US, Asia, Europe
and across Canada at different times of the year.
For full details on Just For Laughs visit hahaha. Com
I would thoroughly recommend it.